If you'd look at the photo, you wouldn't see anything weird, right? (except for the fact that Jabi is actually doing a Mcdonald-pose on top of our heads. tsk, tsk. Bad, Jabi, bad...)
From left to right: Abby (that's me); G.J. (my ultimate gay bestfriend) and Josh (the PAST).
Ok. I'll tell you what's weird. Since Josh and i went on our separate ways, (that would be 1 year and 8 months. yup..) we never really had a CLOSURE or whatever. And to think that we had one of the *best* things ever. No kidding.
So, anyway, when this photo was taken, we still haven't said a word to each other. I dunno. I guess we just don't have anything good to say, or simply, we just don't want to talk to each other. Weird, right? If I say I'm not pissed off by our pointless set-up, i would be a hypocrite. Don't get me wrong, if i'm given the chance to be friends with this guy, i definitely would take it. I mean, we WERE pretty good friends back then. The best even. So i really don't get why we suddenly lost that *whatever*.
For the sake of our very adorable goddaughter Sophia Harmony, we try to be civilized human beings. But sometimes, though we try so damn hard, we always fail. Seriously, there's something wrong with us. It's just a different air whenever we're around each other. Kinda suffocating and thrilling at the same time. The feeling could be depicted as that when you ride the space shuttle @ E.K. You somehow feel as if there's no tomorrow, especially when you're up in the loops, and when you're being pulled upwards you begin to hold on to dear life...but when the ride comes to a stop, man... you just wish for another round. Being around Josh could be like that. I want the encounter to end as soon as possible, and when it does end, i wish there was another one. Weird, i tell you.
-sigh- sometimes, i feel that i just can't commit myself completely to another person because i'm still holding on to Josh. Somewhere deep inside me, i know i still can't let go. I've had other guys, oh yes. And they all seem to be better than him. But whenever i go to sleep at night, i realize that i don't want someone better. Josh is enough. More than enough. sure, he has his own flaws. I mean, who doesn't right? But that's what amazes me.. No matter how bad and stupid he might be at times, I still have all the patience in the world for him. And although it amazes me, it also annoys me. I can forgive him through whatever. He can easily get back in my life, just let him say the word. And he knows that. I guess that's why it will always be different for us.
A couple of months ago, i told myself and most of my friends that i've already let go of Josh and that never will i again be affected by his presence, not even by his existence. And so there i went, proclaiming and everything. And i thought i was alright. I really did. Until last Sunday. When i saw him again, and when i got to spend half of the day again with him, man... and the way he kept on babbling about his present girlfriend, it just kills...
See, it's weird when you hear your x talk about this new girl and practically shove it in your face that this new girl is ten times better than you.. heck, even more! I'm happy for him, i really am... But when it was my turn to talk about this certain guy, he just didn't want to hear it. Selfish.
Maybe this is why i can't move on completely. Something about him and our set-up right now makes me want to hold on and stay... maybe.. just maybe...
But everyday, the nore i live my life without him, the more i realize that maybe there's just nothing to hold on to anymore. A year ago all he left me was a thin rope, to keep ma hanging.. and as the days passed by that thin rope slowly but surely began to break... and now, all I'm holding on to is an inch of that rope. Give it maybe a couple of days or weeks, that rope will break. Unfortunately, nobody's there to break my ultimate fall. OUCH.
I guess I'll never learn. Or maybe i learned already, that's why i'm just not into committments anymore. But what the heck. I'm just guarding my heart. In God's time, surely the pain would disappear... just like the adrenaline rush when you ride a space shuttle... give it a few minutes, then it's all gone... i PRAY it's the same with love. The sleepless nights spent on crying can get really tiresome. One day, i need to rest. Someday.
CIAO!
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