I LOST MY PHONE...

Yup, i lost it.. today... it was actually my first ever trip to 168 Mall, i went with my mom, my aunt and my grandparents... I bought quite a lot, including this sling bag.. i didn't bring any bag, actually. What i bought was this big duffel bag(to put all the stuffs my mom and i bought) and my handphone, mp3 and money (the mp3 was around my neck and both my money and handphone were in this wallet-like handphone case..) So, there I was going through the hustles and bustles of the said mall..

when it was time to go home, we went outside to find that there was a drizzle.. our car was parked somewhere "there" (clueless.. hehe..) so we had to ride a jeepney again to go there.. since it rained, there were no available jeepneys, all were full so we decided to walk farther until we find a jeepney that we could all ride into.. if you've been to Divisoria, I'm sure you'd know that that place is friggin' crowded all the time and pickpockets are just THERE. I, however, being the ignorant that I am, forgot about the pickpockets roaming nearby so I was carefree, walking and holding BOTH bags in front of me... There was MUD everywhere so I was a bit annoyed, plus the fact that the smell was really, really foul and that the people were just basically SWARMING... anyway, i have learned that thriftiness and practicality needs some sacrifices too.. so, there i was, walking and not complaining.. (i found that part hard, though..)

Anyway, clueless and carefree that i was, i suddenly felt the strap of my sling bag SLIP down my front.. and i quickly turned and looked for the person who took it, call it instinct.. My hand automatically went to search for the sling bag that was seconds ago still hanging there, but of course, it was long gone..

Ok, so i was a victim.. i couldn't do anything about it anymore, right? What's done is done.. Calling the number would be foolish, and looking for the person who did it? well, palin stupidity... So, what i did was, i endured the endless ramblings of the people who were with me, i just listened but my mind was a total blank for a few minutes.. i wanted to cry... but then again, for what? I wanted to scream, but to whom? there's no one left to point fingers at but myself.. i mean, how ignorant and careless can i get, right? So now i suffer the consequences of my actions.. -sigh-

The contents of the bag: handphone, money(good thing it was only around php150 plus some of 'em coins, plus some of these small stuffs that i just bought.. :( )

I don't want to wallow in misery... i refuse to do so.. I'll just have to continue living my life... WITHOUT a friggin phone.. i'll survive.. hehe..
the numbers, though.. my contacts.. waaah.. guys, please do send me your contact numbers.. i'll get a new phone soon, hopefully, so just hit me back with 'em numbers..

stay safe.. and have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, guys..

God bless..

take care of your stuffs.. don't leave 'em unattended.. don't be stupid like
me.. lol.

ciao.

Southville People...

Waaaah... i really miss you, guys...

as of this moment, I'm really really missing my Southville friends... It has been almost a month (or has it been longer than a month already?) since i last saw you, guys, and actually spent time with you! Crazy, i tell you.. I have lots of kwentos for you guys and i'm sure you have the same numerous stories to tell...

i miss all of my friends!!! (you see, i tried typing each one of their names.. but unfortunately, it's gonna take me a couple of hours before i actually finish.. plus i might forget someone so, i rather not put names here.. hehe..)

i miss hanging out with you, guys.. i'm sure you know who you are.. i miss talking to you and laughing away with some stupid and crazy ideas.. i miss taking endless pictures with you and i miss eating with you and having them fieldtrips.. i miss knowing that you, guys, are just there...

i really feel so sad knowing that it's just not the same anymore... we barely see and talk to each other and it's not a happy thought... though we've said too many times that it will still be the same, nothing would change, we'd still be the same way we always were... i know somehow that it's not..and i'm sure, you guys know and feel the same way..

it sucks, having to move and leaving you, guys behind.. but it was something i had to do... something i had to live with..

every night i pray.. i pray for you and for me.. hehe.. i pray that somehow, no matter how different our situation might be, somehow, we'll still come out on top..

it's really different, waking up each single day, knowing that when i get to school, it won't be YOUR faces that i will be seeing, nor your voices and laughter that i will be hearing.. i miss the endless teasings, no matter how "foul" they might get.. ahahaha..

i hate not having you, guys, laugh beside me when we're being the mean people that we are.. haha..

hay... it's really weird living without you, guys...

Lots of things are happening everyday.. and sometimes, after a long and tiring day, i just want to be with you, guys. . coz somehow, you always make things better for me..

i remember, when i used to be sad, whenever my tears used to fall, you were all always there for me.. but lately, my tears seem to fall because of you, guys..

i really wish i could turn back time.. i would have done things differently, that i know...

but let me get this straight, i never regret anything.. i don't even regret moving.. it's just that.. i dunno.. if given the chance, i'm sure i would have done something better.. because no matter how good things might be going for me now... God knows how better things are with you, guys..

waaah, i'm getting all dramatic again.. haha.. i know ryu will hate me at this moment for being the drama queen that i am, really.. he's such a supportive bestfriend.. haha, kidding.... haha..

anyway..

i wish you all an advanced holiday greeting.. i just miss you all so bad! and when i mean ALL, i really do mean A-L-L.... hehe..

May God bless each one of us, give us what we duly deserve..

i love you, guys... hope to see y'all again.. SOON!!!!!

CIAO. Ü

boring...

I'm here somewhere in Ocampo and I don't really like the feeling of surfing the net in a public caf.. hehe.. labo.. anyway... i was browsing the mulitply some moments ago and watdapaq... i shouldn't have.. i saw "his" photos at a friend's page and shux.. he looked so beautiful, as always... he looked so... happy.. and i guess that's what hurts me the most... seeing him happy in the arms (literally!) of somebody else... awww... what is up with me? 2 days ago, i said to myself and to everybody else that I'm letting go... and I already did but of course, the pain of seeing him and the girl together, it's just too much to take.. the pain is definitely unbearbable... :(

i'm actually close to tears right at this moment, and i hate it.. i hate being this vulnerable for a guy that doesn't even give importance to my existence... but don't get me wrong... i love the fact that they're together, even if I'm not the girl with him... he's happy, she's happy... and I'm ok with that already... :(

watdapaq!!!! :(

for the SISC people :)

Farewell to thee (the drama queen strikes again!)

THIS IS GONNA BE A LOOOONG ENTRY. BE WARNED.

I have always been fond of people. I could really say that I am by far one of the friendliest people you could ever meet. Hell, yeah!

Stepping into college, I was really scared, pissed and bitter. SCARED: I had no friends with me, I didn’t know ANYBODY in Southville.. PISSED: I never wanted to go to Southville to start with. BITTER: I didn’t get to take my dream course in my dream school and I just got out from a good relationship. So, yeah, I started my college life far from HAPPY. Good thing my like for people was still there. I decided to just deal with what I have since I’m left with no choice. So, as the days passed, little did I realize that I’m friends with my whole block already. It will also come as a great surprise when I never found myself missing my high school life. There came a point wherein my highschool friends hated me for not missing them.

Second semester came and I’m still in Southville. Sections were shuffled so that meant, new block, new friends. Again, I gained new relationships with lotsa strangers and the bond with all of them just kept on going stronger as the 2nd year came close. Little did we all know, it was time for us to be shuffled again. And so for my last sem in Southville, I was amongst a sea of strangers, and yet, beautiful strangers they were.

I will be mushy and crappy because I know that there’s not much more that I can do. As to why I’m transferring, kinda long story, so.. bottom line: I’m not in Southville anymore. Feel free to ask, though.

As I move on and continue my studies in Perpetual, I will forever remember and treasure each of the friends I gained in Southville. I had close ties not only with the students but with most of my professors, as well. I’m sure, if it weren’t for them… I’M TOAST. BIG TIME.

So, to express my gratitude… here’s a list of the people that have made my life in Southville a better and happier phase.

*LINI azarcon – she might have the biggest butt in the whole wide world but she also has the biggest heart and patience to remind me stuffs that I never really remember to do anymore. She is one of the closest friends I have and I’m so blessed. I love her.

*MIA lustado – besh. What more can I say? She was there to listen NO MATTER WHAT. She was there to support NO MATTER WHAT. She was always there to tease NO MATTER WHAT. Haha. But I still love her for all that she does to me. She makes me feel so loved most of the time. It wouldn’t be the same without her.

*FRANCE gochangco – this girl, she was the one who would always, always understand me. No words need to be spoken, she always know the right words to say and the right hugs to give. A shoulder that was always ready to catch my falling tears. I’ll miss my bestfriend.

*JAM abrenica – one of the reasons that I strive hard to do my best. One of the people that I do not want to disappoint. She has helped me in ways that I could never imagine. Just a simple hug from her makes me want to cry my heart out. She was there when I was really heartbroken and when I was sick, she was there to give me comfort. I’ll never forget all the little things, Jam. you’ll forever be my baby.

*VAL divinagracia – truly the sweetest and nicest girl I’ve ever met. She’s just too soft-spoken and I can’t bear to see her hurt. She has helped me a lot and I owe her too much. She was the one who laughed at all my corny jokes, and was one who laughed at my dispense. Haha. She’s one of my laughing machines. I love her for all that she is.

*DEZZA gapuzan – my original laughing machine. we kinda hit it off right away (our friendship, I mean!) we shared a lot in common (personality-wise) and it will always be a wonder for me how I got to understand her very twisted but amazing personality. I’ll definitely, DEFINITELY miss d.m.

*MAIX cruz – one of my first friends in southville, yes! she never failed to make me laugh. Her crazy antics and bubbly aura just gets to me. She’s this amazing person that reminded me that life is indeed beautiful. She may not know it but I love her and I’m thankful she came into my life.

*KATHY concepcion – she never left me especially when I was on my down times. She was always there to check if I’m alright and she’s indeed a true friend. Having her listen to my stories and keeping it t herself, already means a lot to me. She’s someone I could talk to about anything and we’ll just laugh it all off in the end. Love this girl.

*EM malazarte – jeez. Can’t find the right descriptions. she has been one of the ate’s that I never had, though I have never really told her that. She was just there. Responsible, sweet, caring. She just lets you know that everything will be alright and she’s just strong. Too strong that she can be strong for me, as well. Words aren’t enough to tell em how grateful I am to have her in my life.

*DES galang – truly one of the best. She taught me a lot about love, life, friendship, family, trust and being independent and strong. Somehow, the friendship we have is something that I could really be proud of. Her endless love and kindness to me are just a few of the things that make her so amazing. miss you, ne!

*CHIJAY nasis – she might not know this but I love her. Though I failed miserably in showing her and being a true friend to her, I just do. I love her. And I want her to know that I’m just here for her NO MATTER WHAT. She is the perfect epitome of a damsel in distress. But in her own little ways, she’s the true friend that will definitely pull you out of the roughest times. Crazy. Beautiful.
*CHIKE sobrevinias – she’s one of the treasured girls in my life. Being with her takes away all the sadness that life might bring. She says the right words, and she really makes you feel that everything will be ok with just a touch and a hug from her. She can heal my heart with just a few simple yet heart-warming words. I’ll miss our little daily conversations, that’s for sure.

*CHRISTINE gozon – I’ll forever be thankful for the trust that she gave me. She was always there to ask for my advice and I am really glad to be of help. She makes me feel like a badly needed friend and that makes me happier. Her constant company is enough security that the world isn’t falling apart that badly.

*JEN san pedro – I never thought that we’d ever get close and when we did, imagine my surprise. She always listened to my super boring stories and she also shared her own. I’m thankful that she did share because through our daily conversations, I got to know more about life and about how things really work. Thank you Jen for all the wonderful insights. I’ll miss you badly!

*ARMY anchores – the small but terrible angel. J I loved her from day one and that still hasn’t change, It never will. One of the most responsible people I’ve ever met and one of the smartest rin! She just never fails to make my heart smile. if not for her, our sweet victory can never be attained. thank God!

*ROCEL arce – she took care of me so badly I feel as if I owe her my life. she was too nice and too good to be true. She is a true blue friend and she’s just always willing to help. She was interested in my past and she helped me move on. I’ll always be thankful for this girl. I love her.

*AGA roxas – to be this girl’s friend is AMAZING.she is such a lot of sweet and good things. she was also like a sister to me! She constantly nagged me to do the right thing and if not for her, I wouldn’t make it to the 2nd semester. Thank you so much. I love you dear, till the ends of the earth, and you know it! Thank you for tolerating me and my attitude problem.

*J.B. bernardino – though most of our times together are spent on endless teasing and bullying, JB and I had our own share of personal and serious talks. I’m proud to say that JB is a the perfect gentleman. It might not show that much but once he loves, he really loves. And I’m proud of him for that. Kipititup jambreen! Hehe. Thanks for everything.

*MIKO palcone – my personal composer. he was the reason behind all my songs and my popularity. Haha. Nah,. Miko is a really good friend. And in his own little ways, he looked out for me naman kahit papano. and I’ll never forget that.

*JOHN ho – my kuya john ho. His advices. His harsh words that snap me back to reality. His warm heart that helped me heal my heart too many times. His kind spirit that just seems to help everybody cope with life and its complexities. His presence that assures me that everything will fall into place. In time. Thank you, kuya Ho. Someday I’ll be needing your wisdom again.

*BENNY atendido – my ultimate kuya. he was always there to look after me, since the very beginning. He never failed to be the kuya that he always was. He comforted me when I was so down, made me laugh when I was crying my heart out, accompanied me when I was alone, held my hand when I needed it, made everything better when I thought everything was falling apart. Kuya and baby forever.

*B.M. navarro – one of my trusted guy friends. He was there to cheer me up when I was having my heart broken. He never failed in making me smile or laugh. He was another kuya figure and he lived up to that role. We had our own bad times but still, we somehow managed to keep the friendship. And even if he might not need me anymore, B.M., know that I’m just here. Aright?

*ROD vasquez – the one who endured my stupid thoughts on Shao. He never failed to make me smile. he was always advising me to prevent my heart from breaking. And I really appreciated it. Having him as a friend is enough blessing. thanks, apo!

*RYU uchida – one of the few people that I never knew I could actually grow close with. I never imagined the two of us laughing at the caf. And yet, we did. I never knew he could be serious in his own little ways and I’m thankful for all that he is. He was very supportive and contradictive all at the same time, and yet, he’s one of the best. words could not suffice… so, THANK YOU.

*TATS nuyda – whoever thought that he could make me cry?! Hehe. I’ll forever treasure the friendship I gained with tats. He truly is one of the most loved cafboys. he helped me a lot, though he wasn’t aware of it. thanks, tats. See you when we watch happy feet!

*JED bellon – sir jed! Thanks for being one helluva friend. though we’re not really thisclose, we had our share of serious conversations, didn’t we? Hehe. Do take care of yourself and of the deal we made. You’d look out for…. Hehe. Thanks, see you around sir jed!

*MELOY arce - God knows how thankful i am for this guy. he was very, very sewwt and accomodating. I never imagined that we'll actually be close. Though we barely spend time together in school, every time we talk, our conversations keep on getting better and better as we grow closer. i really appreciate all the simple things he has done for me and i love him for that. thanks, men!

*MS. LUCHIE octaviano – though she might not be able to read this, I still hope this gets to her. I wouldn’t have survived my first year without Ms. Luchie. She was the mother figure that I truly love in Southville. She took care of me inside and outside the classroom. She is a great professor, adviser, and a friend. Thank you, Ms. I love you po.

*MS. CIEL nuyda – now ms. Ciel is definitely another mother figure that I have grown to love. she was just there even when I didn’t deserve her there. She just took care of us and practically led us to where we are right now. There are so many things she has done in my life and a simple thank you would help to express how I’m feeling inside. I love you, Ms.!

*SIR EDWARD franco – hehe. I still owe sir ed. He’s gonna kill me now. Hehe. Good thing ala siya friendster! Hehe. I’ll forever be thankful to Sir Ed because if it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t be able to realize my capabilities as a leader. I f not for him constantly barking behind my back, I would never learn the value of responsibility. And If not for his wise words, I wouldn’t be this determined. thank you, sir ed. I just pray that you lessen being a slave-driver. Hehe. Peace po.

*MS. PIA habito – she made me cry. for she was just so nice. thank you, Ms. Pia for being such a big help and for being so understanding and compassionate. thank you for the knowledge you have imparted me and I understand that yes, it was never part of your job to tell everybody that THERE IS NO SANTA CLAUS. Thank you, Ms.

*MS. ALFI, MS. KITE, MS. VIVIAN, DR. REB – thank you so much for the patience you had with me and for talking some sense into me most of the time. Thank you po for being the nicest C.I.’s any nursing student could ask for.

*WAN BEE PEOPLE – forgive me if I fail to make each one of you a separate description.. but know that I will forever treasure each of our time spent together. Thank you, guys, for all the kindness and trust you gave me. The friendship we guys have wil always be here, NO MATTER WHAT. Please know that you can always ask for my help. I’m always willing to help. Thank you and Godbless.

*TWO BEE PEOPLE – God knows how much I love and treasure you, guys. Even for just a very short while, the friendship that we nurtured just keeps on growing and growing and someday, we’ll swim again like it was just yesterday, won’t we? I love you guys. I thank God each and every chance I get for letting me know you, guys, truly one of the best. love you!

*COLLEGIATE MOVER FAMILY – thank you for being so so patient with me. Being a part of your publication had been so much fun. I’ll forever hold in my heart the experience of being a part of you, guys. in return, you’ll forever be a part of me, as well. thank you again, more power!

*SSC-COL FAMILY – hay. Life would definitely be a whole lot different without the meetings and the trainings. I’ll surely miss you, guys. I’ll miss everything about being in the council. Till we meet again.

*SOUTHVILLE FRIENDS – you, guys know who you are. And I thank you for existing in my life and for accepting me for who and what I am. I love you all. Please feel free to contact me anytime!

Hay! Told you it’s long! But anyway, it was worth the time, effort and words.

SEE YOU AROUND GUYS. GOD BLESS US ALL.

Ciao!
-abby-

If I have one song... it'd be this..

TO BE WITH YOU-MR. BIG

Hold on, little girl
Show me what he's done to you
Stand up, little girl
A broken heart can't be that bad


**when it's through, it's through
fate will twist the both of you
so come on, baby, come on over
let me be the one to show you


***i'm the one who wants to be with you
deep inside i hope you feel it too
waited on a line of greens and blues,
just to be the next TO BE WITH YOU


build up your confidence,
so you can be on top for once
wake up, who cares about
little boys that talk too much


I've seen it all go down,
you're game of love was all rained out
so come on baby, come on over
let me be the one to hold you


repeat ***


++why be alone.
when we can be together, baby?
you could make my life worthwhile,
and i could make you start to smile...++


repeat **, ***

CIAO: what the word really means...

If there's one thing that i love about parties, it would be the photos taken during the event. hehe. well, of course the food could always be enjoyed but what remains after all are the photos. Just like this one. :)

Anyway, I don't really intend to write about parties... Yesterday, i was chatting (on YM) with my former classmate way back in highschool, Joe. I made him a testimonial days ago and as always, i signed off with "Ciao". So, yesterday, he asked me where i learned the word (Ciao). I've known years ago that "Ciao" is being used by Italians to greet each other or to bid farewell. So, i told him that. And he said that there's a deeper meaning to the word. Clueless, I asked him what the deeper meaning was. I didn't get the answer because i had to go and prepare for another friend's debut. I thought about it the whole night, what it could possibly mean, but of course, the real meaning never really dawned on me. Good thing when I signed in earlier today, Joe was online. So he finally got to tell me what CIAO really meant. Turns out it basically means: "I'm willing to die for you." How he knew it, kinda a long story. hehe.

If you would see, I'm using -Ciao- as my name. And it's not to serve as a greeting or whatever. I have learned to love CIAO for lotsa reasons.

FIRST: I have this unexplainable love for different languages. Ciao came from a foreign country, and I don't really remember when, where and how i learned to say it but i just know that I've been using it for a long time now.

SECOND: I used it as a codename lots of times. But for this particular guy only. His name kinda rhymes with it. so, everytime i want to say his name, i just say CIAO instead. hehe. Although, it's obvious as hell that the code's for him. haha.

THIRD: I just find it cute, how one uses it. "Ciao!" just imagine, with a matching cat-like smile, hehe.

When I found out what it really means, I found it amusing, really. I always use the word to friends, families and that guy. And it doesn't really change, the meaning is still applicable. Of course I'm willing to die for the people i love. hehe.

So anyway, i just thought it would be cool to share the knowledge i gained today from that very good friend of mine. hehe...

Godbless y'all and..

CIAO! :)

Amidst a Sea of Strangers

Many people have asked me already... What's with the "amidst a sea of strangers"? And they also wonder why i am so dramatic.. I just laugh it off, those questions.. But of course, i DO have my answers as to WHY.. well, here it goes...

Amidst a sea of STRANGERS.... mainly because we live in a vast world... not only that... we live in a world full of strangers.. Not even LITERAL strangers, also the figurative strangers... A man can know the entire human race, for all i care.. but strangers will always be strangers. Just think... among all of your "friends", how much of them do you REALLY know? I mean, yeah, you know their faces and their names... you might even know where they live and what they do... but beyond those basic information, how much do you really know about them? Do you know each of their likes and dislikes? Are you aware of the things that tick them off and make them smile? Sometimes, we tend to claim that we know the person. But in reality, do you REALLY? Strangers are strangers in the sense that we do not really exert effort to get to know them.. sometimes, we just don't care. We take for granted the existence of strangers. It's a shame that we do. But that's part of our nature... we prioritize things... yes, even the people that we want to know..amidst a sea of strangers... i'm caught in a world wherein there's just too many strangers... that sometimes, these strangers make it doubly hard for me to survive. I get lost in this sea too many times. I get eaten up by its waves, its waves being the different personalities each stranger possess.

Often times, i find myself part of this sea. I, myself, am a stranger to another. And though i try to NOT be a stranger, it's just inevitable. But on my own, I want to just ride the waves and enjoy the whole thing... It's just like surfing. I don't know alot about surfing but i do know two things: 1. The waves can get really nasty and 2.you just gotta try standing up again...

Amidst a sea of strangers, amidst a sea of nasty waves... i cannot possibly survive without the help from above, from around and from within... what dwells in those 3 places are the only things that keep me afloat. and with those things on my side, i know i'll never drown. :)

Now, as for the DRAMATIC PART.. i don't really have any explanation for that.. all i know is that I was born this way.. hehe.. and somehow, someday, i'd be able to use this *dramatic side* of me that eventually, would make a BIG AND GOOD difference. :)

Godbless you all and ciao! :)

drama-queen mode. dang.

I have always been regarded as the drama queen. Well, of course not by everybody, but by *people*. Hehe. No, seriously. There are times when I tend to just blab away. And get this, when I blab too much, I end up being melodramatic. Maybe a little too melodramatic.


Well, I don't really intendto be the way I am most of the time. It just comes out, y'know... hehe. I've been through quite a lot, I've put myself in different situations that you wouldn't imagine a girl my age to be in already. But the good part of it is that i end up knowing a little better than other girls my age. Hehe. Don't get me wrong, surely some people have gone through tougher times than I'll ever do. But I'm just saying... My experiences in life made me what I am today. I owe it all to those past experiences, no matter how good or bad they were...


I remember a friend of mine asking me, "does it pay to be *dramatic?*" I didn't really understood that question. It was his exact words, weird. Anyway, I just shrugged at that time, not really absorbing what he just asked. A few minutes later, he asked me the same question. I told him that I didn't really quite get what he meant and he just smiled (and tousled my hair in a very unfriendly manner! hehe..). I kept on bugging him 'bout what he meant but he just didn't want to explain anymore. Selfish person. hehe.

That night, i tried to decipher what he really meant, tried to shed some light on it. But i guess i failed. hehe. So, i just took it literally and tried to answer it for myself as best as i could. And i only came up with this: It pays to be dramatic when people learn something from your laments. Deep. hehe, well, not really. But that was as far as i know, that's when it pays from getting really, really mushy (and crappy!) hehe.

Sometimes, i wonder... why do people have this tendency to wallow in misery and bring the world down with them? I mean, hello, if you hate the world, then hate it. ALONE. The hell with others, the hell with the things that do not concern you and your grudge. But sometimes, one couldn't help but just let out all his anger for the world to see, and feel, as well. Damn. If you ask me, that's absurd. Whoever gave you the right to bring burden to other people, right? -sigh- here i go again, getting all carried away by the things that are just OUT THERE. I love people. I love dealing with people and the different personality each one possess. But sometimes, being too in love with the people can get really frustrating. Because whenever i look closely to a certain person, i get too attached and too affected, as well. Hehe ,damn I'm weird!

I'm just boring people with the things that I'm writing right now. hehe. perfect time to end this entry. hehe.

ciao.

When the past haunts the present...

If you'd look at the photo, you wouldn't see anything weird, right? (except for the fact that Jabi is actually doing a Mcdonald-pose on top of our heads. tsk, tsk. Bad, Jabi, bad...)

From left to right: Abby (that's me); G.J. (my ultimate gay bestfriend) and Josh (the PAST).

Ok. I'll tell you what's weird. Since Josh and i went on our separate ways, (that would be 1 year and 8 months. yup..) we never really had a CLOSURE or whatever. And to think that we had one of the *best* things ever. No kidding.

So, anyway, when this photo was taken, we still haven't said a word to each other. I dunno. I guess we just don't have anything good to say, or simply, we just don't want to talk to each other. Weird, right? If I say I'm not pissed off by our pointless set-up, i would be a hypocrite. Don't get me wrong, if i'm given the chance to be friends with this guy, i definitely would take it. I mean, we WERE pretty good friends back then. The best even. So i really don't get why we suddenly lost that *whatever*.

For the sake of our very adorable goddaughter Sophia Harmony, we try to be civilized human beings. But sometimes, though we try so damn hard, we always fail. Seriously, there's something wrong with us. It's just a different air whenever we're around each other. Kinda suffocating and thrilling at the same time. The feeling could be depicted as that when you ride the space shuttle @ E.K. You somehow feel as if there's no tomorrow, especially when you're up in the loops, and when you're being pulled upwards you begin to hold on to dear life...but when the ride comes to a stop, man... you just wish for another round. Being around Josh could be like that. I want the encounter to end as soon as possible, and when it does end, i wish there was another one. Weird, i tell you.

-sigh- sometimes, i feel that i just can't commit myself completely to another person because i'm still holding on to Josh. Somewhere deep inside me, i know i still can't let go. I've had other guys, oh yes. And they all seem to be better than him. But whenever i go to sleep at night, i realize that i don't want someone better. Josh is enough. More than enough. sure, he has his own flaws. I mean, who doesn't right? But that's what amazes me.. No matter how bad and stupid he might be at times, I still have all the patience in the world for him. And although it amazes me, it also annoys me. I can forgive him through whatever. He can easily get back in my life, just let him say the word. And he knows that. I guess that's why it will always be different for us.

A couple of months ago, i told myself and most of my friends that i've already let go of Josh and that never will i again be affected by his presence, not even by his existence. And so there i went, proclaiming and everything. And i thought i was alright. I really did. Until last Sunday. When i saw him again, and when i got to spend half of the day again with him, man... and the way he kept on babbling about his present girlfriend, it just kills...

See, it's weird when you hear your x talk about this new girl and practically shove it in your face that this new girl is ten times better than you.. heck, even more! I'm happy for him, i really am... But when it was my turn to talk about this certain guy, he just didn't want to hear it. Selfish.

Maybe this is why i can't move on completely. Something about him and our set-up right now makes me want to hold on and stay... maybe.. just maybe...

But everyday, the nore i live my life without him, the more i realize that maybe there's just nothing to hold on to anymore. A year ago all he left me was a thin rope, to keep ma hanging.. and as the days passed by that thin rope slowly but surely began to break... and now, all I'm holding on to is an inch of that rope. Give it maybe a couple of days or weeks, that rope will break. Unfortunately, nobody's there to break my ultimate fall. OUCH.

I guess I'll never learn. Or maybe i learned already, that's why i'm just not into committments anymore. But what the heck. I'm just guarding my heart. In God's time, surely the pain would disappear... just like the adrenaline rush when you ride a space shuttle... give it a few minutes, then it's all gone... i PRAY it's the same with love. The sleepless nights spent on crying can get really tiresome. One day, i need to rest. Someday.

CIAO!

*Tuesday Morning*

I love this pic. yup. i really do, man! taken by yours truly and edited by a really good friend of mine, whom will remain anonymous--for now. haha. Anyway... hey, this is actually my first blog here! I'm not really THAT excited since i have like, 3 blog accounts already that I'm so trying hard to maintain. Hehe, well. So far, so good. i guess i just really love to write/type away. My hands just won't stop, as if they have a mind of their own! creepy--idle hands (waaah, with Devon Sawa! hehehe.. adorable Devon..)

So, yup. This is my first blog and my mind's kinda empty pa for now. hehe. i'd have to get back later tonight, it's 10 in the morning and my mom is kinda angry na. hehe. she wants to watch a movie and she's gonna drag me with her. Dang. So early in the morning. Not really excited about it, though, since we're going with my lovable aunt, and oh.... knowing those 2... I'm sensing Till I Met You is just around the corner for me. Yup. Hey., don't get me wrong. I DO watch Filipino movies.. But not the really cheesy ones, y'know.. Oh, well. They're gonna treat me naman, so of course, i just couldn't say no. ahehehe..

Anyway, I'll end this entry for now but i really would go back later, definitely. Miss blogging away. hehe. Ciao!